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These are Bizarre! And remember, it's all true.
From my buddy Howard Salsitz
An indigent man walked
into a bank in Lansing, Michigan, and asked a teller for 50 cents. The
teller did not understand the soft-spoken bum, and thought she was being
robbed, so she handed over the cash in her drawer—about $1300. The man
took the money gratefully and walked out of the bank. It took police
almost a week to find him. They haven't charged him with anything,
because, according to a police spokesman, "He didn't do anything illegal.
He went into the bank, asked for money, and they gave it to him." Funny,
they always seem to have some good excuse when I want some.
In other banking news,
Terry Wilson was charged with robbery after passing an Orlando bank teller
a stickup note written on the back of his probation-parole card.
And David Manns held up a
bank in Tucson, Arizona, with a note written on the back of his own pay
stub.
Herbert Lemon of Trenton,
New Jersey, was arrested and charged with biting off the eyebrow of his
girlfriend, Hazel Warner, when she tried to stop him from shooting another
woman.
A company in Oregon has
been investigated by the FDA for marketing a health-food supplement called
blue-green manna. The substance is made from algae, and the manufacturer
claims it contains helpful neuropeptides which detoxify the body. A lab
analysis of the product, however, revealed that a 5 oz. sample of
blue-green manna contained 15 whole or equivalent adult flies, 164 adult
fly fragments, 41 whole maggots, 59 maggot fragments, 1 ant, 5 ant
fragments, 763 various insect fragments, nine ticks, 4 mites, 2 rat or
mouse hairs, 4 bird feathers, and 105,000 water fleas. Yes, but if they
just called it "Pond Scum" it wouldn't sell as well.
Some actual maintenance
complaints submitted by the USAF pilots and the replies from maintenance
crews:
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Problem: Left inside main tire
almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
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Problem: Test flight OK, except
autoland very rough.
Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
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Problem: Something loose in
cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.
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Problem: Evidence of hydraulic
leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.
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Problem: Friction locks cause
throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.
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Problem: Number three engine
missing.
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Here's a tip from page 16
of the Hewlett Packard Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for
Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."
Alert police officers in
Florida thought something didn't look right when they saw a car driving
erratically down U.S. 19 — with a 3 1/2 foot orange and green lizard at
the wheel. According to the Tampa Tribune, the officers followed the car
for "a couple of miles" before they pulled it over, to find owner John
Ruppell slouched down in the seat. Police official Larry Sams told the
paper that the iguana was a "pretty good driver". The lizard, named
Finley, was taken into custody and delivered to the SPCA. Mr. Ruppel was
arrested on a drunk driving charge. Remember, kids, don't drink and drive.
You might spill. (Thanks to AylaII@aol.com)
In our Likely Story
department this week, the crew of a trawler that sank in the Sea of Japan
claimed their ship went down after "being struck by a cow which fell out
of the clear blue sky". According to Flying magazine, no one believed this
absurd explanation—except the Russian military. It seems that the crew of
a military cargo jet had stolen a cow they found wandering on a Siberian
airfield, and loaded it aboard. While cruising at 30,000 feet, the
terrified cow ran amok and jumped out of the plane.
In other aviation news, a
plane in Tennessee had to make an emergency landing at the Nashville
International Airport after hitting a deer. UPI reports that the pilot
instructor was demonstrating "touch and go" landings. Next lesson: fun
with "crash and burn".
Allen Grant stole a
Greyhound bus from an undisclosed city in the Midwest and drove it to
Jackson, Mississippi, where he stole another bus. He drove this one to
Baton Rouge, Louisiana, and stole a third bus. Grant was finally
apprehended in Memphis, Tennessee, when he pulled into a gas station and
ordered the attendant to "fill it up, and bill it to Greyhound".
In Mortar, Italy, a dog
shot and killed its master. Stefan Matrelli was out hunting when his dog
fell into a ditch. When the hunter held out his rifle to help the dog up,
it pulled the trigger.
What did you dream last
night? According to the Dictionary of Dreams, if you dream of
elderberries, gay social times are forecast. If, on the other hand, your
dream is of falling on a sidewalk, you will live a long life … a long and
clumsy life. |
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